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The body really does know
Warm when aligned Cold when denied We spend our lives listening to the many external demands ruled by time and task-lists impossible expectations telling us to keep sprinting even though we Know it's time for rest What if the magic of life abundance and joy lies in the simplicity of Knowing when to pause and turn off all the noise For as long as I can remember I have always been a very confident person, full of high self-esteem.
Now in my thirties, I am incredibly surprised to realize how low my self-worth is. What is the difference?
Self-Esteem connects us to the external world, while... Self-Worth connects us to our internal world. But why is Self-Esteem so much more popular than Self-Worth? And why are we led to believe that we can use the two words interchangeably? Media, marketing and capitalism have a lot to do with it. And Self-Esteem is easier to teach because we can see the A+'s in our report cards. We can use the money we earn. We can touch the certificates we receive. We can hear the applause we get. Similar to the dopamine rush we get from a sugar-filled cookie, Self-Esteem is immediately felt (and the addiction is real). And just as quickly as we feel the high highs, we also feel the deep abyss of the low when we are met with a failure or an unmet goal. Self-Worth, however, is invisible. It is unwavering. Even-keel. It is like exercising over and over again knowing you won't see the fruits of your labor until weeks, months or even years from when you started your work. It is steady. It is consistent. It trusts in the invisible work. It is what secures us in the Knowing of our unconditional good-ness. So, of course it's not "market"-friendly. The returns are simply not quick enough. Yet, just like exercise and a healthy diet, Self-Worth is integral for our emotional and mental health. Self-worth is what we need to catch us when we fall or fail; or when people don’t applaud; or when we don’t have enough money in our bank accounts; or when we experience a break up; or when we disappoint others... the list is endless. Self-worth is the foundation upon which our life stands, yet most of us, including myself, have spent little to no time building it. This is why we never feel fully satisfied and are always looking for the next best thing, or goal or project. And then we wonder why our ceilings and walls collapse when they inevitably do. Self-Esteem outsources our power to every one and every thing outside of us. Self-Worth brings us back home. It is not that we need to choose one or the other. They are both important. The concerning fact is that society has capitalized on our humanity's Self-Esteem, leaving our Self-Worth bucket close to empty. This is something we get strategically disconnected from since our childhood. I hope this shifts something in you as it did in me when I started this work. And I am thrilled and blessed to share my findings with you throughout the next few weeks. Health lies in action, and so it graces youth. To be busy is the secret of grace, and half the secret of content. Let us ask the gods not for possessions, but for things to do; happiness is in making things rather than in consuming them.
~ William James Durant For most of my life my mental health has suffered from doing TOO much. Over achieving, over scheduling, over committing… you name it. I would often go through bouts of over working myself followed by days or weeks of complete avoidance and overwhelm, which I sometimes called “vacation”. Eventually these "vacations" turned into episodes of depression and numbness, from which I would eventually find a way to bounce back... to the safe, familiar anchor of over-productiveness. Over time I have made significant changes in my life to slow down. Only to realize that "slowing down" is also one of the many facades of avoidance. It wasn’t until I learned how to connect with my body. My divinity. My own inner wisdom. That I realized how important doing is for my mental health. Recently I experienced a very triggering moment in which I collapsed into numbness again. My mind was consumed with endless checklists of things I needed to do but couldn't do as I nursed my sick toddler. Luckily my husband caught this right away and supported me by creating time for my true anchors - meditation and exercise. I reconnected with my body. My intuition. My truth: The examined values and mantras I have been working so hard to create. In addition to resting, I noticed my body wanted to do. Here are three examples of what this looked like throughout the week: Last year I shared my takeaways from therapy which spoke to many of you. So, I thought I would do the same this year.
As I was preparing to get my notes from therapy together, I came across notes from a workshop I attended last year. As I read through them, I knew this was what I need to share with you instead. This was not what I had "planned" and ironically that is actually one of the things that was stated in the workshop: "A healed mind does not plan but listens to a voice that is not its own." Here is some of the wisdom I re-discovered from my notes from Barbara Huson's workshop on A Course in Miracles: Grounded in the safety
Of my home Surrounded by things I can control I leave for some moments And notice how others Can trigger and unnerve me Unground and irritate me Feet off the ground I fly over clouds Missing the sun rise As my feet search for the ground In the midst of holiday season I often find myself grappling with two challenges over and over again:
I have resisted, avoided and tried to "solve" these obstacles. Yet, the Zen proverb has held true over and over again: the obstacle is the path. ... is weaved
From single pieces of thread Woven over and over again over time Seconds and minutes of strings weave into Hours, days and weeks Tightly bonded Into each other Over and over again Years and decades pass Until it becomes An invincible force That no knife or scissor No hate or lack of acceptance Can ever break apart I sit here Alone At the corner of the table With people who love and accept Parts of my But not all of me I smile and laugh Holding on tightly To a single piece of thread That connects me to you And then you forget me Just for a moment And I fall… Apart ~ on Self-worth and Enough-ness I want to escape you
Buy you tell me to embrace you I want to shut you down So I can feel my crown My crown of "consciousness" As you watch me drown in our ego's cleverness I distract myself from you Through media and money food and luxury work and vacations I say I deserve it or I earned it I tell myself I am fixed As a sit in the fog of superiority Over stacks of books and podcasts that I follow religiously I distract myself with society and busy-ness So I can avoid the uneasiness of feeling what you feel seeing what you see I withdraw and become mean because I prefer to be unseen I want to escape you Buy you tell me to embrace you I want to shut you down So I can feel my crown My crown of "consciousness" As you watch me drown in our ego's cleverness A dear friend asked some of us to write a letter for her ten year young daughter as part of an incredible birthday gift idea. I chose to write about "What I wish I knew when I was 10."
Here it is: Happy 10th birthday my love. Welcome to the double digits. The word “double” just made me think of the complexity of the human experience within the duality of the worlds we live in... our inner world and our outer world. When I was ten years young, I was bullied a lot... silences the mind
strengthens the intuition sense the warm confidence of consciousness Her son dies
she accepts walks on with her daughter Raises her loves her feeds her protects her One day she knows it's time they say goodbye they look at each other a few times The daughter leaves she accepts walks on ~Polar Bears. It just IS Child goes to someone else's house and says, "I wish I lived here."
On the drive home, parent says to child: Scenario #1: "We don't tell others that we wish to live in their house." Parent's fear:
Child learns:
Behavioral Mapping & Blueprint child inherits from parent:
Scenario #2: "Can you tell me more about why you wish you lived there? I want to make sure I can help you make those wishes come true. And next time you feel that way, can you tell me that in private and not infront of everyone?... because wishes are special and need to be shared only with people we love and trust - that is how they come true." Transform parent's fear into a need:
Child learns:
Behavioral Mapping & Blueprint child inherits from parent:
Disappearing to the naked eye
as the waves wash them away But what if it's the ocean's arms taking them home again wake up at 5am
pick up my phone shiny words and pictures consume my mind wake up at 5 am ignore my phone's whispers to witness my Soul's Sunrise We are so afraid
to tap into our greatest potential that we have outsourced its source to everyone else I live in a cage
of "practical" possibilities while Freedom lies in the Reality of Impossibilities Every two weeks I meet with my therapist for an hour and jot down realizations, epiphanies, tools and "homework".
Here are some gems I re-discovered from my notes in 2022:
I wonder if balance doesn't just mean balance of time or tasks or energy but also balance of emotions.
Being as enthusiastic when you are motived as when you are not. Being as appreciative for the luxury car you drive as for the economy flight you fly. Being as excited about a lazy day as a super productive one. Isn't the end goal of "balance" to keep us calm, emotionally regulated and content? Well, what is more fulfilling than to be at peace with the so-called "good" just as much as the "bad"?! A few weeks ago I had a hard day consisting of the normal school drop offs, running errands, cooking meals and what not. I once heard Brene Brown say that she is equally as ambitious about her personal life as she is about her professional life. Well, that is me!
My school drop offs consist of singing songs to my children, meals are home cooked (for the most part), we practice no media six days a week. So you can only imagine how exhausted I felt by the end of the day. After finally putting the kids to sleep, I started thinking about all the things I still had to get done for work - and by the way, it's 9:00pm now. As I walk downstairs to eat some dinner (yes, I haven't even eaten yet!), I overhear Dean talking on the phone and laughing. All of a sudden I am livid and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. He senses this shift in me and asks what's wrong, to which I respond with a passive aggressive "Nothing" as I avoid eye contact, grab my food and head upstairs to eat in privacy. |
About Me:My Outer-Self: B.S. from USC in Industrial & Systems Engineering, owner of Amna Dance, Co-founder of Hatch Brighter and You Matter Too. |
