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In the midst of holiday season I often find myself grappling with two challenges over and over again:
I have resisted, avoided and tried to "solve" these obstacles. Yet, the Zen proverb has held true over and over again: the obstacle is the path. ... is weaved
From single pieces of thread Over time Seconds and minutes of strings weave into Hours, days and weeks Tightly bonded Into each other Over and over again Years and decades pass Until it becomes An invincible force That no knife or scissor No hate or lack of acceptance Can ever break apart I sit here Alone At the corner of the table With people who love and accept Everyone but me I smile and laugh Holding on tightly To a single piece of thread That connects me to you And then you forget me Just for a moment And I fall… Apart ~ on Self-worth and Enough-ness I want to escape you
Buy you tell me to embrace you I want to shut you down So I can feel my crown My crown of "consciousness" As you watch me drown in our ego's cleverness I distract myself from you Through media and money food and luxury work and vacations I say I deserve it or I earned it I tell myself I am fixed As a sit in the fog of superiority Over stacks of books and podcasts that I follow religiously I distract myself with society and busy-ness So I can avoid the uneasiness of feeling what you feel seeing what you see I withdraw and become mean because I prefer to be unseen I want to escape you Buy you tell me to embrace you I want to shut you down So I can feel my crown My crown of "consciousness" As you watch me drown in our ego's cleverness A dear friend asked some of us to write a letter for her ten year young daughter as part of an incredible birthday gift idea. I chose to write about "What I wish I knew when I was 10."
Here it is: Happy 10th birthday my love. Welcome to the double digits. The word “double” just made me think of the complexity of the human experience within the duality of the worlds we live in... our inner world and our outer world. When I was ten years young, I was bullied a lot... silences the mind
strengthens the intuition sense the warm confidence of consciousness Her son dies
she accepts walks on with her daughter Raises her loves her feeds her protects her One day she knows it's time they say goodbye they look at each other a few times The daughter leaves she accepts walks on ~Polar Bears. It just IS Child goes to someone else's house and says, "I wish I lived here."
On the drive home, parent says to child: Scenario #1: "We don't tell others that we wish to live in their house." Parent's fear:
Child learns:
Behavioral Mapping & Blueprint child inherits from parent:
Scenario #2: "Can you tell me more about why you wish you lived there? I want to make sure I can help you make those wishes come true. And next time you feel that way, can you tell me that in private and not infront of everyone?... because wishes are special and need to be shared only with people we love and trust - that is how they come true." Transform parent's fear into a need:
Child learns:
Behavioral Mapping & Blueprint child inherits from parent:
Disappearing to the naked eye
as the waves wash them away But what if it's the ocean's arms taking them home again wake up at 5am
pick up my phone shiny words and pictures consume my mind wake up at 5 am ignore my phone's whispers to witness my Soul's Sunrise We are so afraid
to tap into our greatest potential that we have outsourced its source to everyone else I live in a cage
of "practical" possibilities while Freedom lies in the Reality of Impossibilities Every two weeks I meet with my therapist for an hour and jot down realizations, epiphanies, tools and "homework".
Here are some gems I re-discovered from my notes in 2022:
I wonder if balance doesn't just mean balance of time or tasks or energy but also balance of emotions.
Being as enthusiastic when you are motived as when you are not. Being as appreciative for the luxury car you drive as for the economy flight you fly. Being as excited about a lazy day as a super productive one. Isn't the end goal of "balance" to keep us calm, emotionally regulated and content? Well, what is more fulfilling than to be at peace with the so-called "good" just as much as the "bad"?! A few weeks ago I had a hard day consisting of the normal school drop offs, running errands, cooking meals and what not. I once heard Brene Brown say that she is equally as ambitious about her personal life as she is about her professional life. Well, that is me!
My school drop offs consist of singing songs to my children, meals are home cooked (for the most part), we practice no media six days a week. So you can only imagine how exhausted I felt by the end of the day. After finally putting the kids to sleep, I started thinking about all the things I still had to get done for work - and by the way, it's 9:00pm now. As I walk downstairs to eat some dinner (yes, I haven't even eaten yet!), I overhear Dean talking on the phone and laughing. All of a sudden I am livid and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. He senses this shift in me and asks what's wrong, to which I respond with a passive aggressive "Nothing" as I avoid eye contact, grab my food and head upstairs to eat in privacy. I feel the arms of depression
reaching for my soul pulling me into its cave of darkness a narrow hopeless hole a cavern of worry and fear future whats ifs and past should haves spiraling passages suffocate my soul burying me until I can't move anymore How do I stop the tears? calm the racing heart? motivate body and mind? save this drowning gut? How quickly my world has changed joy and perspective vanished love and abundance withheld I recognize this place I used to call home where I numb my pain under the false security blanket of inaction my eyes are useless here the light shut out by fear I need to find my way back home I need to be still and Know... I'll break down this cave one stone at a time until it becomes a mountain of rocks and then I'll start my climb with love as my compass and presence my light I will walk this path of uncertainty faithfully further and further away from this cage of fear I'll find my true home again and again where the sky is my ceiling and love my truth I will know I have reached there when I feel the familiar warmth of the arms of the universe holding me supporting me where my soul is free and truth, my song this is where I belong My word for 2022 is "FREE".
Sounds simple enough but being "free" is actually really hard. Inspired by Glenon Doyle's Untamed and Eckart Tolle's A New Earth, every day I choose something new to be "Free" from. For example, yesterday I set the intention to be "Free from worrying" and today I set the intention to be "Free from wanting to know". This last one really got me thinking though: we need to be completely comfortable with the unknown to be truly free. But not knowing scares the heck out of me. I want to know what tomorrow looks like, even what the next hour looks like. So, how do I get free of wanting to know my future? Well, I have been practicing this concept of creating a vision for my day and then letting go. This letting go business is NOT EASY though. Has my life tamed me into believing that I am free through the false security of thinking that I can control everything around me? Yes, it has! To the point that I dread letting go of the tiniest of expectations in my day - even though the times I am able to fluidly ride the ebb and flow of my days is literally the most liberating and empowering experience I have ever had. Well, if I have lost you at this point, don't worry, you are not alone. That is why this section is titled thoughts I am "manifesting" = still in progress.  The way we look at solving our disagreements can make or break relationships.
Compromise is defined as accepting lower than desirable standards. When you hear the words "I compromised," doesn't it make you feel like that person lost a battle or gave away a part of themselves? We are constantly being asked to make compromises in our relationships. Some compromises might feel okay while some definitely feel so awful that they eventually turn into a big spiky ball of resentment that starts to roll out of control. This is why compromise simply does not work. When Dean and I disagree, we don’t compromise. We do this thing that we call Transformize. Currently, I am in the middle of Zukov and Linda's Heart of the Soul which talks about the seven centers in our bodies (head, third eye, throat, heart, solar plexus, pelvic area and bottom) that produce specific physical sensations when we feel certain emotions.
I have been practicing this in my every day life by pausing in the middle of an intense emotion so I can observe where I feel it the most and investigate my fear-based thoughts. Such awareness allows our emotions to pass through us (instead of get stuck within us) and connect us to our authentic power (love and trust). As it turns out, I feel most of my unpleasant emotions in my heart and throat. For example, I noticed that I often feel a tightness in my throat when my husband and I have a disagreement. This is because I am often afraid to use my voice with him (being non-confrontational and a people pleaser, this comes as no surprise!). Knowing this has helped me be more intentional with my voice by observing my fear and yet choosing to have the courage to say my thoughts and feelings out loud. I cannot even put into words the type of release and freedom I feel within me since I started doing this inner work. Dear God, I see my judgmental thoughts. My need to feel superior. Know better. Be better. Do better. How can I let go of that? How can I stay connected to the truth of my soul?  Stay aware.
Look at your judgment's need for superiority straight in the eye. Look at your desire to be appreciated straight in the face. They are only powerful when they make string puppets out of you, letting you believe that this is who you are. As soon as you see the strings and identify the puppeteers, judgment & superiority no longer have control. Your eyes see them, your heart understands them. The strings let go. You walk your true path because they can no longer play with you. They will re-attach many more times and you will need to keep looking at them and understanding them. Until one day, all of a sudden, you won't notice them anymore. They have let go. Disappeared. Given up. Searching for their next puppet. |
