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I live in a cage
of "practical" possibilities while Freedom lies in the Reality of Impossibilities Every two weeks I meet with my therapist for an hour and jot down realizations, epiphanies, tools and "homework".
Here are some gems I re-discovered from my notes in 2022:
I wonder if balance doesn't just mean balance of time or tasks or energy but also balance of emotions.
Being as enthusiastic when you are motived as when you are not. Being as appreciative for the luxury car you drive as for the economy flight you fly. Being as excited about a lazy day as a super productive one. Isn't the end goal of "balance" to keep us calm, emotionally regulated and content? Well, what is more fulfilling than to be at peace with the so-called "good" just as much as the "bad"?! A few weeks ago I had a hard day consisting of the normal school drop offs, running errands, cooking meals and what not. I once heard Brene Brown say that she is equally as ambitious about her personal life as she is about her professional life. Well, that is me!
My school drop offs consist of singing songs to my children, meals are home cooked (for the most part), we practice no media six days a week. So you can only imagine how exhausted I felt by the end of the day. After finally putting the kids to sleep, I started thinking about all the things I still had to get done for work - and by the way, it's 9:00pm now. As I walk downstairs to eat some dinner (yes, I haven't even eaten yet!), I overhear Dean talking on the phone and laughing. All of a sudden I am livid and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. He senses this shift in me and asks what's wrong, to which I respond with a passive aggressive "Nothing" as I avoid eye contact, grab my food and head upstairs to eat in privacy. I feel the arms of depression
reaching for my soul pulling me into its cave of darkness a narrow hopeless hole a cavern of worry and fear future if onlys and past should haves spiraling passages suffocate my soul weighing me down until I can't move anymore How do I still the sorrow? hush the pounding heart? motivate mind and body? steady the sinking soul? How quickly my world has changed joy and perspective vanished love and abundance withheld I recognize this place I used to call home where I numbed my pain in the deceptive refuge of inaction my eyes are useless here the light shut out by fear I need to find my way back home I need to be still and Know... I'll unravel this cave one stone at a time until it becomes a mountain of rocks and then I'll start my climb with love as my compass and presence my light I will walk this path of unpredictability fiercely further and further away from this illusory prison I'll find my true home again and again. Where the sky is my ceiling and compassion, my steady ground. I will know I have reached there when I feel the unfamiliar warmth of the arms of the universe holding me supporting me faithfully, in all its uncertainty. Where my soul is free and truth, my song. Where I trust the discomfort this is where I long to call home. My word for 2022 is "FREE".
Sounds simple enough but being "free" is actually really hard. Inspired by Glenon Doyle's Untamed and Eckart Tolle's A New Earth, every day I choose something new to be "Free" from. For example, yesterday I set the intention to be "Free from worrying" and today I set the intention to be "Free from wanting to know". This last one really got me thinking though: we need to be completely comfortable with the unknown to be truly free. But not knowing scares the heck out of me. I want to know what tomorrow looks like, even what the next hour looks like. So, how do I get free of wanting to know my future? Well, I have been practicing this concept of creating a vision for my day and then letting go. This letting go business is NOT EASY though. Has my life tamed me into believing that I am free through the false security of thinking that I can control everything around me? Yes, it has! To the point that I dread letting go of the tiniest of expectations in my day - even though the times I am able to fluidly ride the ebb and flow of my days is literally the most liberating and empowering experience I have ever had. Well, if I have lost you at this point, don't worry, you are not alone. That is why this section is titled thoughts I am "manifesting" = still in progress.  The way we look at solving our disagreements can make or break relationships.
Compromise is defined as accepting lower than desirable standards. When you hear the words "I compromised," doesn't it make you feel like that person lost a battle or gave away a part of themselves? We are constantly being asked to make compromises in our relationships. Some compromises might feel okay while some definitely feel so awful that they eventually turn into a big spiky ball of resentment that starts to roll out of control. This is why compromise simply does not work. When Dean and I disagree, we don’t compromise. We do this thing that we call Transformize. Currently, I am in the middle of Zukov and Linda's Heart of the Soul which talks about the seven centers in our bodies (head, third eye, throat, heart, solar plexus, pelvic area and bottom) that produce specific physical sensations when we feel certain emotions.
I have been practicing this in my every day life by pausing in the middle of an intense emotion so I can observe where I feel it the most and investigate my fear-based thoughts. Such awareness allows our emotions to pass through us (instead of get stuck within us) and connect us to our authentic power (love and trust). As it turns out, I feel most of my unpleasant emotions in my heart and throat. For example, I noticed that I often feel a tightness in my throat when my husband and I have a disagreement. This is because I am often afraid to use my voice with him (being non-confrontational and a people pleaser, this comes as no surprise!). Knowing this has helped me be more intentional with my voice by observing my fear and yet choosing to have the courage to say my thoughts and feelings out loud. I cannot even put into words the type of release and freedom I feel within me since I started doing this inner work. Dear God, I see my judgmental thoughts. My need to feel superior. Know better. Be better. Do better. How can I let go of that? How can I stay connected to the truth of my soul?  Stay aware.
Look at your judgment's need for superiority straight in the eye. Look at your desire to be appreciated straight in the face. They are only powerful when they make string puppets out of you, letting you believe that this is who you are. As soon as you see the strings and identify the puppeteers, judgment & superiority no longer have control. Your eyes see them, your heart understands them. The strings let go. You walk your true path because they can no longer play with you. They will re-attach many more times and you will need to keep looking at them and understanding them. Until one day, all of a sudden, you won't notice them anymore. They have let go. Disappeared. Given up. Searching for their next puppet. two hour meditation magical garden brunch with husband home cooked food, cookies and cake family all around kids playing adults connecting musical chairs presence looking into each person's eyes blowing out birthday candles a four page letter gifts that hug the soul tears of joy my heart is full I am so loved so safe I know I belong thank you  Our kids learn how to deal with hard moments by observing how we react to daily challenges. Our reactions are powerful teachers. It is important our reactions are informed and examined by us and us only. I am talking about that lovely voice of truth deep within us.
When I was younger, I would get very upset if someone messed up any of my things such as messing up my perfectly tidied room or ruining one of my lipsticks. I no longer resist such natural mishaps of the day. The other day, my six year old daughter accidentally...  Loving these recent picks from the library.
How to tell stories for children: a beautiful read about the magic of storytelling for kids no only in terms of bonding and connection but also for moral and value building. I will definitely be purchasing this one. (My husband already started reading it as well). Beyond Measure: wow! So eye-opening. Helped validate and inform a lot of my current decisions in regards to my children’s schooling. It’s written by the director of “Race to Nowhere” - which my husband and I thoroughly enjoyed watching together. We highly recommend it. The gift of presence: a beautiful and easy read. I wasn’t able to finish it but have added it to my future purchase list. The science of parenting: just started it and loving it so far. Love the way it bring science and psychology together. Might be a future purchase book as well! Me, me epidemic: read the first few pages and wasn’t a big fan so far. Some of the assumptions seemed very hypothetical and without any basis or backing. But I plan to keep reading before making any final judgments. (Update: I’m actually really enjoying this one now too. Has some awesome tips. May end up biting this one because I’m finding myself wanting to highlight and take notes on this one.) The other two books I have yet to start which I will definitely update you on if it’s worth a read. Actionable Takeaways: Check out a book at the library or go to Barnes and Noble for a couple of hours to actually start reading a book before purchasing it. If you can’t stop reading it or want to highlight things on it, you know that book needs to be purchased right now or in the future. Also, don’t forget that you can easily request books online from your local library. When our children's behavior feels unacceptable by the majority of the outside world, we are quick to judge, control, blame and resent our little ones. Teachings of spiritual leaders combined with that of doctors’ can help us make conscious and informed decisions on how to best handle our children’s “misbehavior.”  A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE: Eckart Tolle gets deep by breaking apart the words “Human” and “Being”. In his book A New Earth, he explains that Human is form while Being is formless. When we only relate to our Human forms, we are honoring an important part of our external world, such as the roles we play (mother, son, etc.) and what we do (work, teach, parent). But this will lead to a meaningless life, no matter how big our efforts or achievements may be. Unless we interweave it with our Being - our consciousness. This is our ability to recognize ourselves in the “other”. When we focus only on the Human part, our love becomes conditional, judgmental and controlling. It is in Being that we can hold space for true love for our children. My days used to feel like tiny grains of moments that would slip right through my fingers. Until I learned how to re-experience each and every moment of my day through one of my favorite nightly rituals… a meditation that I do while I put my one year old to sleep. This used to be an independent activity until last year when my son was born which made any alone time very difficult. So, I’ve adapted this ritual by doing it while cuddling with him in bed. Here’s how it goes: I close my eyes and literally go through my day backwards - from the last thing I did that day to the first thing I did when I awoke. I remember when I first started practicing this mediation, it was pretty hard to do as it required a whole different type of focus and awareness. I had to work on strengthening this inner muscle and now it’s become quite natural. Whenever I finish this mediation, I feel slightly lighter and happier. Instead of defaulting to thinking only about all the undone or negative things in my day, I am able to see the good - the hugs my kids and I shared, the tea I was able to drink… My heart becomes filled with such tiny joys of gratitude for my day that would have probably gone unnoticed otherwise. For instance, last night I didn’t get to do a lot of things I had intended on doing, but during my bedtime meditation I re-experienced the twinkle in my son’s eyes and our belly laughs at the beach… magic ✨  Every night I feel blessed to be able to hold on to these tiny grains of moments - not letting them slip away.
I hope you try it and cherish it 💕 We all know that using our smartphones and social media platforms can be detrimental for our mental health and well-being. But we can't just stop using them, can we? After all, we do live in the 21st century.
So, how can we use these genius, digital innovations consciously, so that our humanity, peace and calm are not compromised? According to bestselling author Cal Newport, we can ask ourselves: Am I using this phone to serve a value within me? If so, is this the BEST way for me to use it? Sounds simple enough, but values and best practices can get lost in the multitude of options available through our devices. So, how do we regain control of our values and well-being? By asking these six questions to ASCEND to a higher level of smartphone consciousness. 1. IS THIS GOING TO CONTROL MY BRAIN THROUGH POLARIZATION? A friend and I had a disagreement in regards to a parenting topic. Later that day, I went home and scrolled though my social media platforms only to see several posts that further re-confirmed my side of the topic. I felt myself nodding my head. Self-righteousness started to flow throw my bloodstream. As I took a step back, I wondered if my friend also just went home to find the same echo-chamber that supported her opposing viewpoint. If I could tell my child one thing that I haven't yet told them, what would it be? This was what my journal asked me this morning. And this is what I wrote down... I am scared every day of messing you up. You are so magnificent in my eyes. But... I am not yet magnificent in my eyes. This is my daily struggle. I am so aware of the clean slate our children come with. And I am so scared of not honoring their light in the most divine way possible. The other day I had few hard days back to back, during which I couldn't seem to regulate my emotions. I realized once again that I had prioritized everything and everyone else instead of myself. I failed to set boundaries that prioritized my self care and mental health. This is when I am completely out of tune with my own greatness. I do for others more than I do for myself. I stand up for others before I stand up for myself. My cup is more empty than full. So, I made this drawing for myself. I intend to look at it daily so I can make sure to fill my cup FIRST.  A Tree and His CupA story about fear and love. About burning yourself out... and how important it is to fill your cup FIRST. Copyright content by Hatch Brighter Once upon a time there was a forest. In that forest, there was a tree. On top of that tree, there were some leaves that made a shape of a cup. These leaves were strong and powerful. Every time Sister Rain came to visit, she would fill up the tree's cup with water. And all of the forest animals would gratefully come to drink up all the water. This would make the tree feel very good. He would feel joyful, grateful and loved because he was able to help his forest friends.
This went on and on for a while. Until one day when Sister Rain came to visit. This time he noticed different feelings. He felt angry and resentful. This was because he was feeling afraid of his forest friends coming to drink all of his water, without any left for him again. After Sister Rain left lots of water in his cup, all of his forest friends came running and drank it all up. He tried to feel happy about it but it something just didn't feel true to him.  You know that feeling you get when your favorite TV series just came out with it's new season? That’s the feeling I get when I get an email from the library saying the books I requested on hold are now available. I literally count the days till I can pick them up. Here’s my most recent pick up and I’m just sooooo excited to explore these books and share the big realizations with you.
A little bit about each of these books:
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