My takeaways from therapy in 2022

Every two weeks I meet with my therapist for an hour and jot down realizations, epiphanies, tools and "homework".

Here are some gems I re-discovered from my notes in 2022:

• Be aware of inappropriate guilt. You are not responsible for other people's happiness. 

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• When upset, I need to self-regulate before I can fix anything or talk to anyone.

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• In a disagreement: ask to clarify (not accuse).

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• Our emotional states from childhood can become our "personality traits" in adulthood.

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• My need for control reveals my trauma.

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• Being authentic requires getting comfortable with the discomfort. 

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• Being on overdrive was so normalized in my childhood that it feels abnormal if I am not overwhelmed.  Next time when my brain goes to crisis/survival mode and is ready to go on overdrive, I need to:
  1. Re-ground myself and look at the facts in front of me (instead of the stories that I have created in my head).
  2. Remind myself that overdrive is for emergencies. NOT everyday.

• When dealing with a challenging person:
  1. Do a reality check with myself by adjusting my expectations of this person. This requires me to accept their flaws as part of their fabric (instead of saying "they should do this or say that").
  2. Communicate boundaries clearly (have pre-made phrases ready to go in my back pocket).

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• I give other people too much power because as a child, I was taught to give this power away to other people and things.

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• My parentification is one of the reasons I do not want to disappoint others and am hypervigilant about making sure everyone else is ok (even if I am not).

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• When making important decisions, I must eliminate my fear of disappointing others.

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• When I start to feel depressed or am triggered, I deflect accountability by blaming other people or circumstances. This may be because my perfectionism makes me feel very attached to my "new" self that has been committed to self-development for so long. I hold no compassion or acceptance for my "old" imperfect self. Cutting pieces of my self out will never make me whole. I need to learn how to integrate it all, even the sucky parts. I get to OWN IT and EMBRACE IT.

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• My mind has completely accepted that failure is a gift but my heart and body are still automatically triggered by the fear and shame of failure. I have intellectualized this concept but I have not internalized it yet.

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• Embrace PROGRESS (NOT perfection).
  • Natural movement of progress = one step forward, two steps backwards

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• BAND-width: If I stretch it out too much, I will SNAP!  I need to pay attention to my bandwidth. When I feel overwhelmed, I am receiving a signal that my vessel is empty and I am not giving back to myself.  Step back and ask:
  1. How did I take care of myself?
  2. What all am I trying to do?
  3. How am I treating myself (am I judging or defining myself through this situation)?

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• How to deal with stress, decision fatigue, anxiety, etc.:
  1. Accept the situation. And remember that acceptance cannot happen when your tank is depleted or empty
  2. Stop and do something such as: 
  • Increase self-care
  • Give yourself abundant self-compassion (vs. self-judgment)
  • Meditate
  • Go outside for a walk or a run​

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• Experiencing uncertainty creates a stress response making my brain respond with what is most familiar and most traveled. This is where I get the opportunity to create new, examined pathways that are stronger and value-based.

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• I need to get comfortable with disappointing people by having brave and honest communication.

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• This work is endless.