I wish I knew this when I was 10

A dear friend asked some of us to write a letter for her ten year young daughter as part of an incredible birthday gift idea. I chose to write about "What I wish I knew when I was 10."

Here it is:


Happy 10th birthday my love. Welcome to the double digits. The word “double” just made me think of the complexity of the human experience within the duality of the worlds we live in...  our inner world and our outer world.

When I was ten years young, I was bullied a lot...

Up until then, I had curly, super short, and super thick hair that my mother did not know how to tame. So it often looked like an afro. I also started growing hair all over my body and face that I never had before. I officially had a light mustache. I was teased and made fun of. I didn't have any friends and no one wanted to sit next to me during lunch, so I often ate my lunch alone in the bathroom stalls. 


As soon as I had the chance, I became desperate to fit in. I started to dress like everyone else, do my hair like everyone else, makeup, etc. I made sure I got straight A’s and was the “best” student. I even listened to the same music as everyone else. I was so determined to get validation and approval from the outside world that I didn’t listen to my own truths from my inner world to check in with “Amna” and see what she wanted to listen to or how she wanted to dress up… This is when I started to become the "popular" girl. 


Now that I am 38 years young, what I wish I knew back then was that there are two parts of me that I need to pay attention to: my inner world and my outer world. I needed to learn how to live within both of these worlds without betraying my truth - which ONLY exists in my inner world. You see, I became so focused on the outer world - friends, clothes, grades, etc. - that I started to lose connection with my inner compass. 


When I look back, I feel that I needed someone to be honest and vulnerable with me. I needed someone to tell me it is totally normal to be different. I needed someone to tell me that they too had hair in their upper lip when they turned 11.  


I also needed someone to create a bridge between the two worlds for me through the greatest teacher of all -Mother Nature.
 
I wish someone taught me that I could connect to my inner world by simply observing nature... then I would have noticed that not all trees are built the same: some are tall, some short, some wide, some thin, some have lots of leaves, and some have very few. 


When I was 10, I felt like everything was absolute - as if this moment is how the rest of my life would be. I needed someone to tell me that this isn’t forever; that everything is just a moment and constantly changing - like seasons in a year.  I needed to know that this pain will pass, like winter turns into spring and summer into autumn. 


I wish I had learned that hard moments create magic moments, because it is in our hardest moments that we get to experience our true greatness. Just like a rotten onion can bloom into a flower, our stresses can also reveal our blessings. For instance, now when I reflect, I feel so grateful to have experienced bullying and unkindness when I was younger because those hard moments made me a kind and compassionate teenager in high school who noticed the students sitting alone in the cafeteria and chose to sit next to them.


When I finished college with an Engineering degree, I got a job as an Engineer, even though it didn’t bring me joy. I felt the pressure from the outside world to keep me in a box based on the choices I made when I was younger.  It took me a long time to have the courage to listen to my inner voice and leave that job to start my own dance company. You see, dance has been my passion since I was three years young.  


I wish I had learned that I can change and my dreams can change too and that it is totally OK… just like a young caterpillar has the freedom to change into a beautiful butterfly, my dreams have the freedom to change too.  


I wish I had learned that sitting still is magic! That by quieting my thoughts, I can connect to the superpowers of my soul. 


When I sit in stillness now, I can hear things and feel things and see things that are more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. This is how I learned that what I see in my imagination is more real than anything I could ever see with my eyes.


I really needed a very intimate relationship with Mother Nature because it is Her world that my body gets to live in. I changed too much of who I was to fit into the outer world. 


I pray and wish you stay connected to your inner world so you can constantly feel the unconditional Love of Mother Nature.  She will help you stay true to who you are and that is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to this world.


I hope you enjoy transforming all your hard moments into magical ones. And please give my love to the 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 year young versions of yourself, as they helped you become 10 today will always be a part of you.


Happy birthday my love. 


Love you so much,
Amna ​